I begin to pick up the pieces of myself left over from a few weeks without regular sleep. A few months without regular sleep. A few years without regular sleep. My entire life without regular sleep.

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome often results in a complete lack of synchronicity with the rest of the world. It can be linked to depression, social anxiety, and a host of other unfortunacies. Yeah, I know that isn't a word. So what? I'm out of sync.

Can you imagine feeling jet-lagged every day? Can you imagine taking a sleep aid and remaining awake with a slow mind and an unresponsive body? Can you imagine being awake for 20 hours, sleeping two to four hours, if at all, and then trying to blend into the normal waking world? Or trying to drive a car on a Friday after an entire week with little or no sleep?

You can try to imagine... or you can live this way.

I know that many people have it far worse than I do. I wouldn't know from personal experience, though, because I don't mesh with normal people. They don't make sense to me. They have cycles and rhythms that give their life order. They understand deadlines. I don't feel the passage of time until the time has already passed. My dreams are chaotic and fantastical. I carry my waking life into my dreams, creating a lack of dream-freedom. I don't have nay more money in my dreams. I don't have better ability than in real life. I can't have sex dreams because I remember to be faithful to my real life. It's almost as if my dream world and waking world are the same, except the dream world has dinosaurs and zombies instead of paperwork and car repairs.

So what does one do when they feel this disconnected and alone? After 3o-odd years, does one continue to work against the reality of their own nature? Or does one look for peace by deciding to be as physically alone as they emotionally or intellectually feel? At what point does the dream of connection fall away to accommodate the reality of disconnection? Yeah, I know that's not a word. So what? I'm out of sync.